Kulor's Domain

Too Scared to Form an Opinion = Too Scared to Live

2006-01-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

Ahh, it's been a while. Maybe that's a good thing.
Why can't some people just form an opinion and take the risk of being judged for it? If your opinion is justified, you should be able to make a decent argument for it, yet I've encountered on numerous occasions people who just refuse to debate anything. How boring.
These are the people you'll encounter on forums or in chats, who take a "magazine-like" approach to everything. You can basically ask them an opinion-gathering question about anything, and they'll respond with something like, "Well, (side A) has some good points, and (side B) has some good points, so overall they're both good, and it'll be interesting to see the result." Wow, your opinion is so...safe! Now, don't get me wrong, this is a good position to take on some issues, because some things are truly in-the-middle. But when you take that opinion on everything? You're hiding from criticism, coward.
I'll often see this argument used to compare systems. Any system, you name it. DS vs. PSP? "Well, they've both got their strengths." Revolution vs. 360? "They're both really innovative." SNES vs. Game.Com? "Well, you really can't judge either." GROW A FRIGGIN' SOUL. And to those who say that it'll be "interesting to see where the market goes either way"? Yeah, interesting to watch it either stab itself in the face or pick itself back up. Sometimes, one result is blatantly better than another, you may want to actually side with the better one. You know, instead of hiding behind a middle-answer.
Another thing that really pisses me off is when I see this in politics. "Well, both are good, and it'll be interesting either way." You're totally helping America's situation with disinterest in politics. Maybe if you grew an actual opinion, you'd be able to do some good. Oh wait, you wouldn't be safe that way. You people disgust me.
I swear, when I get a sword-gun (MAN that would rule), these people will be some of the first to get swords in the face. I'll ride my manly hover-motorcycle-chainsaw to the Either Way Foundation and break through the wall, and make some people taste swords. Of course, weather I miss or not, it'll be interesting either way to see their reactions. Then, I'll have to work hard to break through their defenses (which are rather hard to break, since they're invisible), and finally make my way to the core-unit Absoluxe Middle, which is conveniently located in the middle of the Earth. Since it's too afraid to try to attack for fear of being judged, I'll have no problem tossing eight-hundred battle axes into it's soulless pit, and barely escape in my manly lumberjack ship, just in time to see the flesh remains of the middle-biased raining down. BBQ!!
So remember, young little Jimmy! If you don't have an opinion, don't talk! Read into it, think about it, and only if it's a truly in-the-middle situation should you take that position. Otherwise, slap yourself on the BBQ for me in advance.

iPod: Possibly the most worthless invention ever

2005-07-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

It's like a disease, spreading across America, turning the already grimy youth into a living mass of pure mucus. It's like Pokemon and Harry Potter, except this time it's actually considered "cool", well into the 18-year old demographic. That's right: it's the iPod, Apple's little bitch.
So one fine morning, magnificent Sol was shining bright above the Arizona sky. It was a fine day, because it happened to be Kulor's birthday. Today was destined to be that wonderful timespace where somebody's SEGA Master System would be passed down onto me, and infused into The System (22 game consoles strong). So, wasting no time, I decided to tear the flesh off of my poor, unsuspecting presents and rip out their innards, with the same eager, loving face that I would show while performing the act on your average moron. Lo and behold, I didn't get a single thing I asked for. Instead, I got...an iPod Shuffle.
Opening it up, I figured it wouldn't be so bad. It was glossy, shiny, and eager to be played with. It had the same, succulently sweet scent of freshly molded plastic. It was also a 1 gigabyte flash drive. So, I popped it into the USB port on my PC and installed iTunes. Big mistake! iTunes decided that Windows shouldn't be able to detect the drive, because it's a PC. It formatted it, and forced it into an MP3-exclusive machine. What a waste. Nothing a quick reformatting didn't fix, however.
Then, I decided to look up some specs. What I found shocked me. The iPod Shuffle, the very piece of near-worthless crap I held at that very moment in my hand, sticking my grimy fingerprints involuntarily all over the glossy plastic, has a 70 MHz processor. Seventy megahertz. Do you have any idea what you could do with 70 MHz? The Atari 600XL is 1.8 MHz, and it ran BASIC. My Palm Pilot, a Sony Clie SJ-30, ran Palm OS with a 33 MHz processor. Heck, my very first computer, the CMS, runs Windows 98 perfectly with only a 120 MHz processor. It can easily multitask while streaming MP3s. Isn't 70 MHz a bit of an overkill? At that moment, I was nearly inspired to learn ASM for that particular processor. Tap into the true power of the iPod Shuffle. Make it into a drive that, when stuck into your computer, would inject it with the most vile of virii. Turn it into a robot controller. Hook up an external LCD screen and turn it into a mini-computer. Anything! But no, instead, I get to...stream MP3s. Randomly selected MP3s. Wow, iPod, don't work too much of a sweat.
This is disgusting. I really wonder why people buy these things. There are so many better things out there that can do so much more, yet the morons persistently flock to these stupid, utterly pointless pieces of Apple crap. Why? Because it's cool? Buy one of those mega-small iRivers -- at least those have built-in screens that you could hypothetically do something useful on. Buy a palm pilot; you could buy a 3-year old model that could play MP3s, and so much more. Just buy anything that isn't Apple.
As for these disgusting piles of moron filth that do flock to Apple, like baby sheep looking to suck on their mommy's boobs, one day I'll hook up with Apple. I'll plant mini-robots into the iPod Shuffles before they ship. Then, for everybody who buys one of these voluntarily, the robot will shoot out and drill into their face, then detonate. Within the first 5 seconds of shipping, a tidal wave of blood and gore will fill the streets of Phoenix, Los Angeles, New York, and countless other cities. Luna's eyes will fill with blood, and shoot a giant cannon of gore at the earth, covering everything in still-throbbing chunks of human flesh. Lightning will strike a Mayan temple, and the blood of all those poor souls who were sacrificed will shoot out and explode, causing blood to fall in rain. Water will turn into blood, turning the entire world dark red. Dirt will turn into gore, making walking a difficult chore. All because you bought an iPod!
So remember, little children; Apple is not safe. Never buy from them, because they only seek to brainwash you with their overly useless junk.

Chipmusic Owns Your Soul

2005-06-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it really surprises me how closed-minded people are. Especially when it comes to music. What makes your music more "cool" than mine? Why, exactly, should I conform to your views and start listening to Blink 182 or Metallica?
Let me establish this as a fact: I listen to chipmusic, probably more than any other sort of music (Not Amiga music, actually mostly SIDs; I'm using chipmusic as a general term). I thrive off of the same low-fidelity sounds that would give you a headache after two seconds of listening. It doesn't take a large band of sweaty men to impress me; rather, one computer geek with knowledge of music theory and an old computer. Somehow, that apparently makes me less worthy to be a human being.
It's sorta funny, because I get crap from people who listen to all sorts of music much worst than mine. Some of my most recent critics listened primarily to cheesy, Japanese, Europop-style techno. "But Kulor! At least it's real music!!" Sorry, your sound waves must be arranged in a much more rhythmical manner than mine! When tone-deaf people can define what music is better than me, especially people who like to listen to music with whiny, underage Japanese girls singing about "Real Super Fun American Butterfly Go Fly Tonight", then I've probably gone deaf.
Of course, then you have the other group of people who think that my music is techno because it's generated on a synthesizer. Wow, sorry! Some of your rock must be techno, then, but you probably won't admit to that, will you? I could've sworn techno had to have a large, prominent bass hit every beat, but apparently the definition has extended out to everything generated on a synth. Or maybe you're just a dumbass!
But the worst group of critics, by far, are those annoying gossip-filled girls who listen to n*Sync, Greenday, Blink 182 (hope I'm making it clear that I HATE Blink 182), and anything else that Popular Teen Magazine rates high. Their music is so incredibly annoying, so genre-destroying, and so conformist, that you'd think they wouldn't have the right to criticize anybody else's music! Not the case, though. Then again, anything even slightly underground is nerdy and/or stupid to them, so there's no real reason to care what they think. Morons, the lot of 'em.
A few days ago, one of my critics recently got long-term exposure to my style of music. Earlier, he had criticized my music (again), and was annoying me, so I got back at him by popping in one of my favorite tunes at a comfortable volume level. At first, he insisted that it was annoying me more than him (I listen to this stuff! Why would it annoy me?), but only five minutes later, he was begging me to turn it off. Aww, we didn't even get to the good part...
One of these days, I'm going to grab a giant helicopter and a megaphone, go over the local mall, and start blasting out chipmusic. All the trendy idiots with soft ears will start having strokes and become immobile, whereas anybody not worth bombing will be able to escape (if anyone started blasting out chipmusic over a mall, I think I'd run outside and check it out). When enough people are out, I'll drop my ultimate nuke of ultimate Republican power (George W. Bush brand!) and put an end to these musically retarded morons.
So remember, have an open mind to what people listen to. Otherwise...well, just remember, it doesn't take much of my music to give you a pretty bad headache.

For a similar rant, check this out: http://www.armchairarcade.com/aamain/content.php?article.48
If you think you can appreciate chipmusic, start off by downloading SIDPlay2 (Google it, I'm too lazy to provide a link), and go to http://www.robhubbard.co.uk. Some suggested listening: Auf Wiedersehen Monty, Crazy Comets, Formula 1 Simulator, Monty on the Run, Sanxion, WAR. Just download random ones like I did. Never played the games, but the music is good listenin'. Kulor cannot be held responsible for any bleeding ears; it's your fault you've been listening to soft music all your life.

Makeup might make me look better, even though I'm an ugly dick!

2005-05-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

What is with girls nowadays? Why do they feel like they need to paint their faces constantly to make themselves look better? Who are you impressing?
This is just an example of the materialistic values embedded into the lower class of humans that I despise. If you didn't look good with makeup, you most definately won't look good with your eye sockets filled with black paint, your lips looking bloody, and your cheeks the hue of decaying flesh! Obviously, women must be aware of this. "Why do they wear makeup then, Kulor?" you may be asking. My best explaination is that it affects them materialistically on the subconscious level. If you have makeup, you're a worthy human being! And the more makeup you have, the more people will love you! If only they knew...
Same applies with jewelry and "accesories" as they call them. Congratulations, you just got a $1,000 rock on a chain. What a thing to own! I can totally see that coming in handy!! Maybe the fact that they have well over $1,000 worth of stones and rocks on them at any given moment makes them feel like a better person. But that doesn't explain accesories! "OMG, look! She has bits and chunks of plastic in her hair! I didn't know she likes LEGOs too!"
It's all worthless. Completely, totally worthless. Why not buy something useful, for once?
So, girls, you want the guys to like you? Here's a hint, coming from a guy: STOP LITTERING YOURSELVES WITH WORTHLESS CRAP. If you're too ugly to get a date without it, then there's no hope for you; go prude. You probably deserve it anyways.

y ms r lvs b s abv-o-rfc?

2005-04-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

(translation: Why must our lives be so abbreviation-o-riffic?)
We live in a sad, sad world today. Just what, exactly, do people accomplish with abbreviations? Do they promise better sex when accumulated to disgustingly large numbers used? Or are they just a good sign that the person you're talking to wants to annoy you as much as humanly possible?
Too many of my friends seem to be far too addicted to using abbreviations in excess. I've had things like "RotMK", "SMS", "ZWW", etc. thrown at me, and I'm always expected to know EXACTLEY what they mean. For those of you who don't know, those three stand for "Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom", a popular flash movie shown on Newgrounds and the like; "Super Mario Sunshine", a cheesy Mario platformer; and "Zelda Wind Waker", a politically incorrect way to refer to The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (though with the incredible amount of Zelda games we seem to be getting, I'm sure Nintendo could rename the series to "A Legend of Zelda: ...").
Now, there's a few things wrong with this. RotMK is a flash movie, which is exactley why I won't remember the abbreviation. I don't sit around and watch flash movies all day; they're usually not well done, and the humor is usually more lame than not (Monkies! Pie! Muffins! LOL!!!!11). But that apparently doesn't matter to some of you! Just because my lifestyle is completely different doesn't mean I can't adapt yours for the sole purpose of learning your abbreviations, right? I should start referring to things like MO (Magnavox Odyssey) and SZXS (Sinclair ZX Spectrum), and begin to expect people to know what they stand for, even though none of my friends are video game collectors.
SMS is a perfect example of something I like to call abbreviation conflict. Most of my friends are avid game players, not collectors; they instantly think of Super Mario Sunshine. However, the first thing that pops into my head is the SEGA Master System. Once again, this is a lifestyle issue; I'll bet there several other abbreviations for "SMS" out there, and depending on your hobby of choice, you'll tend to think of one over another. Exactly why you shouldn't expect someone else to know what you're talking about!
And, finally, ZWW is a perfect example of the worst kind of abbreviation; the incorrect one. The proper abbreviation for Wind Waker should be "LoZ:WW". You can at least take the effort to use the right abbreviation if you're going to confuse the crap out of me!
Why even use abbreviations to begin with? Are you all too much of mongs to be able to type correctly? "bt kulr! its jst r way f mkin it lss hrd 2 typ 2 lts o ppl" (Translation: But Kulor! It's just our way of making it less hard to type to lots of people!)
SHUT UP. The way you see me type here, on my angst-filled emotionally varied diary where I record every waking moment of my life, is the exact same way I type in IMs. Sure, when I'm talking to 8 people at a time, my typo rate increases, but my typing skills don't have to go down to talk to that many people. If you talk to more than that at once, then maybe you shouldn't go to chat rooms so often (2-second friends aren't the best kind, afterall). And if you're doing it just because you're too lazy, then I hope you don't stop breathing one day due to laziness; it must take a whole lot to move your fingers all those extra inches!
Things like this just make my blood boil. One day, it's going to start shooting out of my eyes and into an unfortunate passerbyer's face. Unfortunately, he too is an abbreviating moron! The boiling fluids will flow down his throat and slowly eat away at his organs, all while he's lying on the floor, yelling things like "HLP M PLZ SMBDY". Nobody will understand him, however, and he'll die a slow and painful death. All because of abbreviations! The hospital could've saved him! I hope you abbreviators feel like murdering beasts now.
It's very rare I'm going to give real advise, but here it is: don't abbreviate. Nobody knows what you're talking about, and soon they won't care. Otherwise...wow, is it getting hot in here?

Let's pretend wearing mainstream clothing will make you unique!

2005-04-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

What's with boys, ages 15-18, who are completely devoid of any sort of uniqueness? I'll bet I could list off less than 5 stereotypes which perfectly fit 97% of the school's male population (give me 10 and I can do males and females). But that's not what this is about -- it's about one small stereotype in particular: the trendy one.
I guess it all started when one of these idiots woke up with a flaming skull -- too much thinking required for sleeping -- when an idea hit them. "LOL! pink is 4 grrlz...mayB if i ware it grlz wl mk out w me!!" And so, he wore a pink flannel shirt to school that day. Unfortunately, instead of being beaten like the slave he deserves to be, his massive cloud of 2-minute best friends swarmed around him and adored him. Since then, every trendy boy has worn a pink flannel shirt at least once.
Funny thing is, if you ever confront them about it in person, they'll give you something like, "It's just my way of expressing myself." or "Because it's comfortable, and I don't care what other people think." HOLY CRAP, MY BULLSHIT GAUGE JUST EXPLODED! If they really didn't care what people thought, then why do they have friends?
Trend-Man: Hey, I like your shirt.
Blunt-Man: I don't care what you think!
Trend-Man: But...it's cool!
Blunt-Man: Shut up! I don't care!!
Trend-Man: Hey, look at that dweeb over there!!
Blunt-Man: I don't CARE...
Let's see Mr. Trendy ever do that. Oh wait! If he did, he wouldn't be popular, and being popular (that is, having friends you found in the discount bin) is half of the deal!
Expressing yourself? Nice try, but nope. Well, unless of course you're a terribly good example of a stereotypical person who's inner thoughts can easily be expressed by statements on commercially distributed clothing. Oh wait!! You trendy sheep are all the same!
I find it odd, too, how trendy people are all homophobes (yes, I'm generalizing; you belong to a stereotype for a reason!), yet feel perfectly comfortable wearing the most feminine color out of the entire spectrum. Today, in one of my more primitive classes, I found a perfect example of hypocrisy: a trendy kid, wearing a pink flannel shirt; and a shy kid, wearing a tie-dyed shirt. The popular kid, knowing half the kids in the class, begins calling the shy kid a fag, and suddenly, he's known as a homo throughout the whole classroom. Like they're ones to talk, with their pink flannel crap...
Next time I see someone getting props for being "unique" for wearing a pink flannel shirt, I'm going to tear their shirt off and piss all over it. It'll be a nice dark peach color by then. Maybe they won't mind being unique enough to wear a shirt with Kulor-pee all over it. But that's not good enough! I'll pull out my garden clippers, and lop off a large portion of their hair. Bad haircuts are unique! Then I'll rip their arm off and shove it down their throat. Afterall, what more of a unique way to lose a limb than to consume it yourself? Maybe by then they'll get the fact that they aren't unique through to their elastic-plastic brains. Oh wait!
So, kids, just remember -- it's always good to be unique. But being a part of the mainstream will never make you non-cliché, so don't even try. If you do, Kulor might have to help.

Computers Shouldn't Be for Pussies

2005-03-24T23:19:00.000-08:00

You know what? My Atari 600XL owns. I don't care how powerful your PC is, how good the graphics card is, or how many drives it has. I can use the Atari.
Confused? Of course you are, 'cuz you're stupid. My Atari is a man's computer. You have to know what you're doing in order to use it right. You don't get a frilly GUI, and your data means nothing to this thing. Poke it in the wrong way (BASIC users will get that), and it'll get angry and delete everything you made. Heck, it might even delete everything you made just for the fun of it, because it's just that cool.
If only all computers rocked this much. There are illiterate 'tards out there who can't use a PC -- a PC, for crying out loud!! -- and bog it down with virii and spyware. There are other even bigger 'tards -- mongs, I'd say -- who get so confused, they switch to a Mac. What kind've moron uses a Mac, anyways? Macs are for those who can't handle the true world of computing.
This is how computers should be. No retards, no mongs, no ANYTHING using any sort of computer unless they have the brain capacity to do so. We'd be in a better world; it'd be a place where programs are made by smart people for smart people. My pants are bulging thinking about it.
Anyways, my suggestion to you is to get off your computer if your IQ is lower than...ohh, let's say...120, just to be flexible. Go do something your kind is meant to do, like play sports. Morons.

Why Do Morons Think They're Funny?

2005-02-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've noticed a trend. A very disgusting trend. Apparantly, it's cool to be funny. Therefore, a lot of talentless bastards have been trying to show their humor.
There's only one problem, and that's the fact that they aren't funny.
You can usually tell if it's one of these people if their humor relies heavily on pie, monkies, or muffins. What the crap makes pie, monkies and muffins targets for lame humor, anyways? Pie is not funny! There is no funny aspect about it! I've never seen someone walk past a pie and start laughing their ass off! So why is it that these people throw pie into something that IS funny, and expect it to become much funnier?
Monkeys, there's an exception. If you're comparing something to a monkey, it can be funny. Like George W. Bush. Or athletes. But spontaneously bringing "the crazy pie monkeys of all that is muffins" into a joke session WILL NOT MAKE IT FUNNY. It will make it lame, and make people want to grab your leg, shove it up your anus, and pull it out of your mouth.
Another part of this trend is being completely, utterly random. Somebody can be talking about their game in Pikmin 2, and these morons will suddenly fill everyone's mind with a scene of your Pikmin being eaten by muffin monkeys working for the great pie! Oh, ho, it must be funny!
Maybe I missed something. Maybe, somewhere, there's some great insider joke that'll suddenly open the great, shining door of monkey/pie/muffin humor to me, and I'll suddenly get urges to bring it into EVERY CONVERSATION.
Until that day, or until someone can point me in the right direction on this issue, stop trying to be funny if you're not. Kulor will slap you into submission with a monkey pie if you do.

Oil: We're Screwed!

2005-02-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

So, I got to thinking one day about oil. That's right, the blood of our society; without oil, we'd be living life like it was 1705. Any and everybody knows that oil is a limited, non-renewable resource. We're supposedly on the brink of running out, in fact; soon it will take more than one barrel of oil to mine out one barrel. With such a potential problem on the world's shoulders, I decided to look around and see what we're doing to prevent a global crisis.
You know what I found?
Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
Every alternative had some sort of downfall that made it either reliant on oil or too energy-inefficient. So, it looks like we'll be pumping oil out of the ground until the day it runs dry. What happens then? Other than the majority of the world dropping dead due to starvation (all modern agriculture relies upon oil), world wars (oil is a major driving force in the world's economy), lack of any electricity anywhere (for example, the USA, I believe, gets 80+% of it's energy from oil - including home use), and general outbreaks of panic and chaos, not much! It's obvious that once oil begins to become too expensive to mine, the world will, for lack of better terms, suck; why don't our filthy rich politicians do anything about it? Oh, they're too busy enjoying their enourmous manors, paid for entirely by oil companies. Oil makes me sick.
The tale of humanity is about to end, folks! Oil won't last forever, and nobody seems to care. Sorta makes you wonder where this 17-year-old will be in 20 years, doesn't it?

The Death of Fine Gaming

2005-02-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

So, the PSP is coming out soon. I'd just like everyone to bow their heads for a moment of silence. For who, you ask? Why, for fine gaming, of course.
Who invented the PlayStation? Where do they live? Can I shoot them in the face? The PSX opened a door that we thought was well sealed by quality game companies like Nintendo, SEGA and SNK; the door of bad systems. Only now will a system like the nGage or the Gizmondo actually stand a fighting chance. Only now can a company's console be on top, without the company having to release a single game. Only now are there game studios devoted to making one franchise.
Whatever happened, anyways? Back in the day (SNES, fool), all bad systems were immediately and instantaneously dominated, without question. There was no chance for a system without 1st party games to survive for more than a couple of months; you had to actually put some effort into your system, and make some games for it! Then, Sony came, and that all changed. Now companies like Nintendo are doomed, SEGA and SNK are both dust, and the Gizmondo stands a fighting chance. Unbelievable.
When did the nice little world of gaming become infested with gadgetphiles, anyways? These morons serve only one purpose: to sink gaming. They'll buy the Gizmondo because it has built-in GPS functions. They'll buy the PSP because it can play UMD movies. They'll buy a PS3 because of the cell processor. They don't care about the fact that gaming is nothing like it was 10 years ago, declining slowly into the dreaded bowels of SEGA-CD gameplay. That's right: keep putting a demand on these movie/game hybrids, and soon games will become so much like movies, that you'll only have to choose a few commands to determine the movie's flow, and you'll be done! Evidence, you ask? Metal Gear Solid 2/3, Final Fantasy X/XI/VII-2, Halo 2, not to mention the thousands of titles dubbed as hits because they're based off a movie. Why do people buy this crap? Why must those of us who want a good, fun challenge be deprived so much because of such a higher demand for graphics? When did gaming get this bad?
Will it ever go back?
I won't let the great systems of yesteryear die for a lost cause. Gaming will one day return from the hands of those gadgetphiles, even if it has to be forced from them.
The future of gaming will be one of gaming.
http://www.mode7warriors.com

Like, Shut Up!

2005-01-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the vast majority of my comrades all seem to have an obsession with the word "like"? Could it be that they're all unoriginal morons with neither a personality or a vocabulary worth mentioning?
Not much has bothered Kulor in recent times. All has been well, and for a while, I thought people were finally beginning to become less stupid. Then, she walked in. Innocent seeming, slightly ugly; she was a new student in my aquaculture class. I never really paid her much heed...until one day. She was moved right in front of me for excessive talking. At this time, it hit me that she's a moron who would rather socialize with her worthless acquaintances than actually learn anything. Anyways, being severely socially deprived, she began talking to the kid in front of me.
Now, most likely, this happens every day in our lives. It's not something to pay attention to, as it's left a permanent scar on our minds (not saying any of you necessarily have one). However, with this girl, it was too emphasized not to notice.
"Like, so, like, I was, like, at, like, the mall and, like, there were, like, boys there and we were, like, making out and then, like, Rob came and, like, we were, like, making out ..." It's almost as though somebody took a Yak-Bak (if you don't remember what a Yak-Bak is, you're too young to be reading this), sampled here saying "like", and played it back frequently at seemingly random intervals in her sentences. There was something strange about the similarities between every "like" she spewed out of her mouth; they all started on a similar pitch, not relative to the pitch she was speaking with before, and there was always a ~1 second pause afterwards. It almost made me think that she was loading the next word into her head, and had to use "like" as a filler.
First hour wasn't the least of my problems, though. The same continued through second hour, third hour, and even lunch, amongst my friends. Finally, I got so sick of it, that I grew another head. My old one was so tainted from hearing the word "like" so many times, that it exploded, and out came small demons. I watched and laughed as the miniature demons flew through the air, jamming themselves down every teen who used "like" more than twice in a sentence, rendering them mute.
So, what did you learn? Don't, like, use, like, "like", like, more than you, like, need to. It's, like, really annoying.

Who needs inspiration! Let's just go and do whatever we want!

2004-10-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

Kulor was quite amused recently, mostly because of his graphic design class. First, the teacher doesn't know anything about computers - however, this deserves an article all it's own. What kind of teacher can state that a logo with trendy properties is a better logo than one with unique properties? A graphic design teacher, that's what.
Recently, we were required to compose a logo for the fictional skateboard accessory conglomerate, Fakie. I figured, metaphorically, I would only choose the name "Fakie" if I was going to make a company that wanted to create nonconformist and brand new styles. Therefore, I made a suiting icon - one that didn't look like any other skateboarding company's logo to date.
Critique time! First, I was impressed by the lack of inspiration for something so trendy and "cool" as skateboarding, as 99% of the logos followed a common style, and generally looked generic. I gave my negative first impressions and struck down their hopes and dreams, whilst slaying their inner ego by stating the numerous flaws. Then, mine came up onto the screen. No, they did not do it out of spite, as only a few people knew which one was mine - instantly, everybody's face turned blood red, their eyes began to boil, foam spewed from their mouths, and their skull grew and deformed into what resembled the face of Satan himself.
"AAGAHAGHGSHGDJKSHH!!!!!182812lOL!! THAT'S NOT WHAT SKATBORDEING IS SUPPORSD TO LOOK LIKEE!29018!~`11!!One!!2138 YUO SHOULD DO IT AGAISN YU N00B F4G0T L0S3R!!392 OMG I CANT BVELIEVE U!!! YOU NEEDD TO STECK TO TRIENDS MORE119012!!21981!!11!!!anger~!!!"
Semi-surprised (afterall, these were the kinds of people that spend hours on end in the mall, searching for trends, creating a "cool" reputation), I grabbed my trusty Mac and threw it into the closest person I could see. I did the world two favors with this action; I destroyed a lifeless human who'll be much more productive being fertilizer, and I ruined a perfectly good Apple Macintosh.
Of course, it wasn't long before the rest of the creatures were clawing away at my face. Then, I noticed; they had to stay clear of my afro, for it is non-trendy and their flesh will peel from their body upon contact with it. This being understood, I began headbutting them, and watched as they all pitifully became liquid carcasses of what was once cool, resembling the trends they so loved to follow.
Here's what you need to know: Don't follow trends, or you will have a faceload of Kulor afro.

Don't buy a TI-83 if you're not going to calculate on it.

2004-10-06T22:18:00.000-07:00

Physics has been enlightening. Specifically, to how dumb people really are. Both the people sitting next to me own TI-84+ Silver Edition state-of-the-art calculators, and they don't know how to do anything with them, aside from play games. Why pay $150 for a calculator with no sound and two colors, when you can pay $120 for a GameBoy Advance SP and a game?
"But Kulor!! The teachers won't know you're playing games on a calculator!!" Like hell they won't. Unless your teacher built a house on the edge of a cliff and lived there for ten years straight, with absolutely no communication to the outer world, they're going to know that calculator games, indeed, exist. So, what seems better: having your full-color innovative games by professionals with optional sound confiscated, or having your monochromatic mute buggy crap BASIC games confiscated?
Maybe if they weren't always jacking off to calculator porn during class, they'd actually be able to learn something instead of asking me all the time. Next time somebody asks me what we're doing, because they were too busy playing calculator games during a lesson to pay attention, I'm going to tear off/out their genitilia, cram it down their throat, and watch them give themselves head/eat themselves out.
Unless you like being a virgin, either get a dedicated gaming machine, or pay attention - lest Kulor have to do explicit things to you.

Horses, Quite Simply, Suck

2004-09-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

How can people find such an ugly creature "beautiful"? Why is it that these animals are still used for transportation, when their are much more efficient ways to travel? Things like this make Kulor want to rip out his stomach, tear a nice hole in it, and drink the fluid that comes gushing out. Why use a horse, which I'm sure is as unwilling to carry you on it's back as I am, when you can be far more efficient, and seek travel in a more modern way? Take, for example, the bicycle. Indeed, a very simple tool, but the usage of one requires far less energy than walking the same distance, or riding horseback (considering the fact that the horse is using energy too).
Also, I'd like to know what's so majestic and tantalizing about these creatures. All they know how to do is take large dumps just in time for you to see them. It's as though they take pride in their dumps, and hold them in just for you! How honored you should feel when a horse gives you the privilege of watching it poop on the floor!
Horses should be athletes.
Let's gather up all the horses that exist in the modern world, throw them into a river of oil, then...Well, it's truly unnecessary to continue. However, there is one problem with that; in a matter of minutes, I would have the world's supply of horse lovers at arms and prepared to attack. However, being the primitive people they are, they would be intimidated by modern weaponry, and as a result, would have to use hand-crafted weapons carved from sticks and rocks. I, then, would simply run them all down with my tank of ultimate power.
Lesson taught: Like horses, and you will be run over with a tank. That's on the borderline of getting away with too little, too.

You're My Best Friend!

2004-08-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ever noticed a phenomenon I like to call the "2-minute best friend"? Especially abundant in girls ages 9-18, it's where one girl, whom after meeting another girl and conversing with her for two minutes or less, calls her new pal her "best friend". Of course, it doesn't go any farther than this; the two haven't built a true relationship yet, and therefore have nothing to base their friendship off, except for their "best friend" status with one another.
To imagine, I thought people couldn't get any dumber.
These particularly empty buckets are draining the very definition of best friend, and turning it into a very vague term. It's funny how nowadays, I hear people say, "Oh, she's my best friend, and so is she, and so is she, and...Like, I have, like, 90 best friends!" When that is said, the bubbles of idiocy begin to rise on their forehead, indicating that the very little amount of gray matter they have within their skull is boiling - overheating, due to the great amount of thinking required to assemble that sentence. How can you have 90 BEST friends? How can they all be BEST friends, if some have to be better than others (think about the definition of "best")? It makes me want to nail a dictionary to their forehead; maybe then, they won't forget to study it, since they were obviously raised hearing such simple words as "best" and "like" used wrong.
I'll bet, if they suddenly found their "best friend" dangling off a cliff, screaming for help, begging to have their lives saved, these people wouldn't save their "best friend". No, they'd just find the nearest person (of the same sex, of course; no best friends can have different genders, that would be ridiculous) and say, "You're my best friend!" Of course, being a brainwashed idiot who does anything to look trendy, they would reply, "Best friends forever!" and walk off into the sunset holding hands.
It's rather simple; before you declare somebody your best friend, know them well first. And please, learn how to use the words "best" and "like" correctly, or Kulor will make your best friend dangle off a cliff.

Skippy is a Load of Crap

2004-08-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been on vacation, and my stupid article page wasn't the first thing on my mind.
Anyways, this is going to be too easy. What was Skippy thinking? Now, I'm just fine with peanut butter, but these Skippy snack sticks have pushed the new "gush the liquid out of the stick and into your mouth" trend a little too far.
It all started with me and my friend noticing two boxes of the hideous sticks in my pantry. Figuring they contained improved peanut butter (since nobody who has a mentally stable mind wants to eat PLAIN peanut butter), I decided to try it. The scene is similar to the one depicted in the commercial, except I'm not a stereotypical 9-year-old cel-shaded brat riding a skateboard and simultaneously consuming these sticks of liquefied peanut goop.
As soon as the crap-like substance hits my sensitive tongue, one thing is all but not clear; this is not ordinary peanut butter. It's ordinary peanut butter with a lower consistency and a thick layer of oil and water lingering on top. I persevere and finish it nonetheless, figuring I only have to do this once. My friend has a similar reaction; nearly purging.
After this, we decide to each try the single chocolate sample included with each box (there were two boxes), inferring that it clearly must be better than normal peanut butter. To get the full effect of what we experienced, mix equal proportions of peanut butter and cocoa powder together, expect the taste of a Recees peanut butter cup, and stuff a large spoonful in your mouth. That's what it was like.
I think enough has been said on this topic. So, I warn you in advance; unless you're mentally ill, don't buy Skippy's peanut butt surprise sticks. You will be ripped off, and Kulor does not give you a money-back guarantee.

Stupid People: Learn When to SHUT UP...

2004-07-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

Did you know that today, I was annoyed quite seriously by people, merely for being social? Now, I'm not demoting socialism; having friends and stuff is all fine and dandy. But you need to know when a good time to talk is, and when is a bad time. For example, in the middle of summer school!
Alright, it didn't start out too badly, I must admit. Until this fat, blubbering idiot named Ben happened to walk in. For the next hour and a half, all I could hear was him. "Blah blah blah Lord of the Ring, blah blah blah Magic the Gathering, blah blah blah sushi, blah...", with his thundering voice of might he let flow across the room for all to hear! Little did he know, nobody cared!
Well, 'twas not so bad - the next portion contained a movie, by which Ben would be forced to shut up against his will. Fwaha. So, all is well once more, and I am somewhat enjoying the stupidity of this movie - like the fact that it wasn't made to be funny, but could win many comedy awards - when, from the other side of the room, I hear some well-placed added dialogue. "Your gay!" says the flaky neo-Nazi named Ian, and behold, the whole classroom bursts into laughter - excluding the all-powerful Kulor, of course. Similar acts proceed throughout the whole movie, each one using a different unoriginal insult from Ian's vast library. He must study for hours to amass those great volumes of stupid into his head; no natural is at his skill level. However, I digress - each and every time, the classroom bursts into fits of absolutely chaotic laughter.
Finally, after a trial of 15 or so runs of this tedious cycle (tedious for us onlookers, anyways), a girl with some sense stands up to him bravely. "Will you shut the fuck up, you little bastard?! You act like you're the only one in this room!! Now shut your fucking mouth and let others enjoy the movie!!" she exclaims. Ah, if only I had my knife with me; I would have paired her words with my blade to his throat and a few of my own. Surely, if your life is at stake, you would certainly not talk during a movie! But no, the opportunity is struck down; she is met with another lame, overused and popular insult, and degraded by the whole classroom's laughter.
"Alright, the final - and shortest - portion of the school day...and the best part is, things can't possibly get any worst!" Kulor thinks to himself, heading back from his break. 'Twas a mistake to speak so soon. A giant packet of work - roughly 30 pages - lay before me, and must be done within the hour and fifteen minutes remaining. "Not too bad; I've done worst in shorter amounts of time..." I think. Then, my good buddy Will comes up! And what does he do? He talks!! And talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks!!!!!
"ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!!!" I yell at him, but he doesn't listen; he actually tells me to put down my work and talk to him. So, running out of patience, I grab my sledgehammer and battle axe, and crush his skull! Satisfied with the pleasant crunch it emits, followed by the squirting sound caused by his brains slowly flowing from his mandible, I complete the job by jumping to Ben's desk, crushing his ribs with a swift blow to the chest, then splitting his head down the middle, then I pursue the fleeing Ian by striking his pelvic region, causing it to cave in, and then I chop his heart out with three swift triangular blows. Holding up the mangled segment, the entire class falls into applause (and eventually standing ovation), and I, the mighty Kulor, am regarded (once more) as king of the entire mortal plane.
Lesson: There are better times to talk than in the middle of summer school; find them, or you might find yourself in immense suffering.

omg i looooooooove aol!!!!!!!!11111111

2004-07-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

Crappy companies like AOL exist merely to scam you out of your hard-earned money. Guess where I've been for the past few days? Trying to get AOL to work on one of my three computers! And guess what?? It doesn't work on any of them!!
That's right, folks! For a mere $40 a month, I get no internet access on any of my computers! As an added bonus, on the rare occasion that I do get service, I get to be kicked off by the remote host at least twice a day! Thrilling, no? On top of that, I get slower-than-usual dial-up, and a mom that doesn't want to switch from this excellent internet service provider!
But wait, there's more!! Using the awesome "Match-Chat" feature, I get matched with 12-year old idiots that put "computers and like games on them lol" on their profiles, and get to talk with them (actually, attempt to explain to them what RAM and a processor is) in AOL lingo! Ahh, the wonderful world of AOL!
Well, I must admit, though still using AOL, it is good to be back online.
God, what am I saying? The internet is filled with retards abound, and there's nothing to do other than exchange "lol"s with these AIM-loving morons.
Hint to all of you using AIM: Get MSN. "It's much better." is an understatement.

Cell Phones Are Stupid; Polyphonic Ringtones Are Too Quiet

2004-07-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

What makes a person cool? Does dressing like every other person you see make you cool? Does exchanging useless gossip on your cell phone at absurd moments make you cool? How about taking something somebody else is doing and applying it to your annoying, new cell phone?
It all started out quite simply; I was sitting in class, waiting for the last 30 minutes to end so I could go home and get some much needed rest from the harmful toxic that is summer school, playing my Neo Geo Pocket Color with minimal volume. One of the "cool gangsta trippin G yo kidz frum da across da room G" happened to notice the distant sound, and asked me what it was. I kindly held up my console, and resumed my game. Shortly after, I looked back up at him, and not only did he have his cell phone out, but so did all his cronies. So you're lacking in a game system - so taking out your cell phone and playing cheap and simple games makes you as "cool" as me now? Well, it was their obligation to look like a group of idiots - a task they frequently preformed subconsciously anyways - so I was only minimally annoyed.
No, it's not until they started playing their infinitely annoying polyphonic ringtones on them. Imagine it: 5-7 cell phones, all with tinny speakers, each one playing a different poorly made MIDI. "At least they're across the room," I thought. But no, there's never a reprieve for Kulor - the "awexome LOL OMFG XOXoHoTcHrIsSyoXOX girlz (rule!!!!!!!111one)" on my side of the room decided to get out THEIR cell phones, and start playing THEIR ringtones. Now, the count of irritating cell phones playing rap and punk rock sequences had doubled!
Finally, I decided to halt this nuisance, and turned my volume to maximum. Get this: ONE game console, as small as it was, was capable of drowning out ~20 cell phones. Amazing? No, it's not; cell phones are cheap, employ small speakers designed merely to grab your attention, and much less quality than game consoles.
Do the world a favor, and find a less "cool" way of communicating with your friends. If you don't, Kulor will have to strangle you.

One Day, I'm Going to Build a Giant Castle Over a Football Stadium.

2004-07-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

I don't like sports. I don't like those who play sports. What, exactly, is the point of sports? Manipulating balls never seemed very fun to me. Kids are wasting their lives away nowadays by playing them; rather, they could spend their time being much more creative, and doing something productive instead of training themselves to grow into oversized men with overly bony skulls, come to our high schools, and screw everything up!
So, as my revenge to all jocks who have been stupid (EVER), I'm going to bulldoze a football stadium and build a giant castle there.
"But Kulor!! We want to manipulate balls on your grass!" they will yell, in VAIN, as I send out my killer robots to crush their skulls and devour their flesh - the robots I built in my time, being productive, NOT wasting my life away throwing around a stupid sphere!
Yes, and I'll probably end up beginning the first war ever in the name of sports and athletes. Remember, in the words of Coach Moronico, "When athletes play, it's not about the GAME, it's not about the BALL (but it almost is), it's not about the ATHLETES, it's about you - and the SOUL." So, since I will have devoured the "soul" of competitive sports, George W. Bush, in all his majesty, will hire pro-football players to throw nukes at my castle until I leave. I'll fight back, however, sending rippling earthquakes to tear their flesh from their bones and grind what little brains they have into a fine juicy pulp. However, their flesh has a mind of it's own, seeing as how it doesn't need to run off brain power! I will be overridden with crawling globs of flesh that REALLY want to manipulate some balls right then. But that's it - my ultimate defense! I shall bring down the moon! Yes, it is nearly a sphere. The athletic morons, too captivated by it's enormous splendor, will sit there and wait to catch the ultimate ball, while I escape in my ultimate ship of power.
The moral of this "story" is: Be wise; say no to athletics, kids. They will make the moon fall down on you, which might hurt.